Standing beside a pyre I was thinking of life. Death is in front of me, you are in my memories and life is in my mind. When I think of life deeply, it makes me smile and that is the beauty indeed. I was at the cremation ground to interview a crematorium person. It is one of the most tough days of my life because I have only once been to a crematorium. I have never seen a death so closely. The heat of the fire and the flying ashes were telling me about you.
The first day of my new student life. You were wearing an orange Kurti. It was beautiful. Your hair was open, with a slight left bend. The touch of Kajal on your eyes had made you more attractive. I didn’t know your name. I didn’t felt asking you. You were there and you are in my heart now.
Explanation of love is a good way of wasting time. I never explained my love to myself so there is no question of others. I love the moments and the person with that moments. It is all about the moments and the person. I have made love to many women. Between the lovemakings, I felt that I am nowhere.
Today standing beside the pyre I thought, I will give you a call and tell you “lets go for the book fair.” I wanted to walk with you. I wanted to feel you amidst the crowd of this city. The city will know that one day we have walked through its streets. Your hand will be within my hand. You will walk in the motion of many smiles.
I left the crematorium. I took out the phone and reached your name. Just before dialing your number, I stopped and thought “leave it.” There is always a fear inside me, that may be you will feel bad. I thought may be you don’t want to go out with me. I am 25, and seen many one sided love. It is nothing new to me.
One sided love is a much discussed topic. But one thing in all discussions we miss, that it is not only the love but also the feeling of being with a person is much personal. Walking with you, feeling your presence, looking at your eyes, understanding your mind all of these are just mine. You are nowhere.
It is not bad, but it is the truth. I came back home and thought I will write some lines for you.
I met one of my friends and while talking found out that you called him, met, went out and walked. It is not the jealousy for what I am laughing now. But this smile is for my life, at least it has taught me that some feelings are perfect from one side.
I didn’t call you. I didn’t walk with you. I didn’t see you amidst the crowd of this city. I have never found you just for me. But I realized that you are beautiful in my heart and mind. I will love you there where you love me the same way.