The winter of Delhi has taken its own shape. People are wearing winter colorful winter cloths. The city is covered with fog from the early morning. I know, that the city to me is a city of realizations and rediscovery. I am rediscovering myself every moment.
I have learned that I have always loved the wrong people in my people. But I loved. I loved because I wanted to. But when I loved J, I love her so closely that every point of my life I see her. When I walk , I feel that she is walking with me. J loved me in her own way, I loved her too. But her love was sharing but not holding back. I wanted to stay with her my whole life.
Every morning, when I see her, a feel that I am alive comes within me. I get the courage of walking and staying in this world. J will never stay with me and she knew that. I did not know. Every moment I believed that she will stay with me. Every moment I have felt that she is only for me. Her love, her care, her touch and her everything I adored.
There is a point in life when, you start to realize that you are just fighting with the person you loved to get love. You can’t fight for love. I have fought. I have fought with J and asked her to give a bit of love to me. She was going away. Her step of going away were hard to me. May be J knew that she will get a life but to me it will be just darkness. But she wanted her light back to her life. It was enough of dealing with my darkness for her.
J was leaving me. I knew the points she was going far away from me. I know her eyes, I knew her lips, I knew her everything was changing. She was in front of me but her heart was not with me. If you have face this point in your life then you will realize that it is the toughest thing in your life.
J was in front of me and I wanted to tell her “don’t go”. But couldn’t. I aways thought that J will stand for me once. J will look at me ask me, “why are you sad?” She didn’t. She was going to her light. When you walk for light you never stop. But to me it was different. I was trying to be alive. I was trying to tell myself keep faith. But faith on whom? On my love? I lost faith on my love.
Every moment when I see J, I just feel to hug her. If you have ever fallen in love then don’t fight for it. I fought to keep my love alive. You should not. I never wanted to see my love dying for me and loving someone else. I f it is destiny then believe that destiny as early as possible.
J will always be my love and I will be her second man.